


Lose Yourself

by TrinityRose



Category: The Flash
Genre: F/M, Snowells
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2019-04-07 20:40:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14089221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrinityRose/pseuds/TrinityRose
Summary: Caitlin stops Harry from using dark matter. Secrets come out.





	Lose Yourself

**Author's Note:**

> This was prompted by the title of one of the upcoming episodes and numerous conversations I had with lovely snowells fans on instagram (follow me there: trinittyrosse) regarding snowells in the past and possible future outcomes : ) Also, by youtuber’s comment left under my video, in which she was worrying that Harry wouldn’t be able to love Snow as much as he did his dead wife.

Caitlin seemed to know this from the beginning. She knew because she knew _him_ well, so she could tell he would eventually cave and use the dark matter once the intelligence booster wasn't enough to defeat DeVoe. It was like an unpleasant feeling in her gut, one that had the power to drive her crazy and was even worse than hiding what he truly meant to her all this time.

She knew he would eventually do it just like she'd known the moment he'd told them about the booster that no matter what she said or did, he would go through with his plan. That was the reason to why she backed him up, still asking Cisco to keep an eye on him.

Well, apparently, that wasn't enough anymore.

She got up from her desk and followed him into the lab in which the machine he'd once built to restore Barry's powers was. She'd been watching him on the feed from the security cameras for a while now, feeling like a crazy stalker, but it wasn't as though she had a choice in the matter. She needed to keep an eye on him herself, because otherwise… Well, she didn't want to know; yet, might just soon find out.

The moment she entered the lab he saw him already tinkering with the machine. Yes, his patience was running thin those days, which only gave her more reasons to worry, because in this state he was careless. In this state he could truly get hurt and she wasn't sure that even she would be able to help him then.

She didn't think when she iced the device. She just did it and he turned around in surprise to see her standing there.

"I can't let you do this, Harry," she said, clear warning in her voice. "I won't. You're losing yourself and I just can't let you take this step."

"Well," he started with a sigh, facing her, "I have nothing else to lose, do I?"

She frowned on hearing that, trying to hide how much those words actually hurt. "What are you even talking about?" she asked.

"Jesse's all right," he simply explained, "we're finally at good terms. I have nothing to lose, Snow. No regrets…" Still, even as he said that, she could see that he didn't really mean it. His eyes avoided hers just then and his voice trailed off as though he was hesitating, but did his best to convince himself otherwise anyway. _That_ she could work with. _That_ actually gave her hope.

"You do," she decided to provoke him. "You actually have so much to lose, Harry. You're just such a coward that you won't admit it. You're scared to move on."

"Excuse me?!" he got angry just then, feeling deeply insulted and good. He should. He needed some good stirring. "What are you even talking about?! Wait…" he came to a stop, a look of sudden understanding on his face. "Did Jesse speak to you?!"

Caitlin didn't even try to hide it. "Yes, she did," she confirmed with a nod. "And I understand, Harry, believe me, I _do_. That's why this is so hard for me."

"I don't follow." He was confused again.

"Ok," she nodded, bracing herself, "I guess I should just say it. Get it over with. Because if I don't, we'll be forever stuck in this place, in this… crazy loop I'm so sick of already! I am in love with you," she confessed and his mouth hung open, eyes boring into hers as though he still couldn't believe what he just heard.

Well, at least she caught him off guard and took his mind away from the machine.

Only then, he was the one to surprise her for a change when he simply asked, "Who says that? Killer Frost or Caitlin Snow?"

 _Oh_ , she thought, realizing this must be confusing to him since she came to him as Killer Frost, but since then… yes, her powers were dormant now.

"It doesn't matter," she answered, being honest with him more than she'd ever been with anyone. "I'm one and the same." Just to prove it, she reached her hand out, palm up to him and there it was, ice creeping up her skin before she made it disappear. He was watching her intently with eyes ablaze.

"I think we've both been lying to ourselves, Harry," she continued while he was just standing there silent, listening carefully, interested in this turn of events. "I told you already that I started to remember what she… what _I_ did or said," she corrected herself just then. "You see, I was always a good person. I prided myself on that. I always wanted to help people, never hurt them. Violence was repulsive to me and completely unnecessary. I wanted to be caring and gentle and good and I was. At least until Barry created the flashpoint. After that… something changed inside of me. It started with small things like finally admitting to myself that I had feelings for a certain someone, feelings I probably should not have. So I kept lying to myself. Seeing you return to your earth… seeing how easy it was for you to suggest we could just find another Harrison Wells in the multiverse… It hurt, Harry," she admitted, meeting his eyes again and seeing them clearer than she thought she'd ever had. "There was never any other Wells for me. There was always only _you_."

He opened his mouth again as though he wanted to say something, but then he clearly changed his mind as he closed it.

"So I kept on lying to myself to spare myself the pain," she went on. Now that she started confessing what was really inside of her all this time, she couldn't seem to stop, wanting, _needing_ it all out. "I could've maybe at some point made the right choice, got rid of my powers, fallen for Julian, but…" she shook her head, "I never stood a chance. I only managed to successfully break his heart just because I tried so hard to like him and I failed because he simply wasn't _you_. And Killer Frost…" Just then Harry finally tried to say something, but she didn't let him. She just kept on going, afraid that if she stopped, she might not find enough courage to finish and she really wanted to get to the bottom of this tonight. "There was never a separate me and her. I did that. _I_ kept us separate because I didn't want to admit that darkness was in me as well. I quite literally put up a wall in my brain so I could finally let go and not care, so I didn't have to be Caitlin Snow anymore. Friends weren't enough for me. You were gone. So I just let go. Became someone else. Became _her_. The person I wanted to be at the moment. Only recently I began realizing that no one is either good or bad. And we… you and me, Harry, we are so alike. You betrayed Barry because Zoom promised you your daughter back. You even _killed_ for her once." He flinched when she mentioned that. Truly not his proudest moment and she knew that. She also knew he'd regretted it ever since.

"Snow…" he finally tried.

"Harry, just… don't," she stopped him again, reaching her hand out. "I don't expect you to feel the same, ok? I really don't. I just… I needed you to know, because keeping this inside for so long…"

"Caitlin…"

"I know I can never be the love of your life, but you are mine. And I needed you to know that. I'm just sorry if it's too much to process. I'm just done hiding, ok? I am finally embracing who I am. In fact, thanks to my powers and all those desires, I finally understood that we are not good _or_ evil. Every one of us has the potential to go either way. It's our minds that keep us in check and I so hope that tonight I can be yours. I already lost my true self, Harry, I don't want that to happen to you, too. I don't think we can really count on another miracle, on bringing _you_ back as well… Um, ok, now I'm done."

She knew he desperately wanted to say something just a moment ago, but now they both seemed to be silent, processing.

Eventually, he made his way to her, his eyes set on hers when he said softly, "You already are, Caitlin."

"What? I'm what?" she was confused. "You're common sense?"

"No." He shook his head. "The love of my life," he confessed just then, looking so vulnerable and honest that it undid her completely.

Her eyes grew large as she heard that, not able to believe his words, not even able to _comprehend_ what it meant.

"I believe you can have more than one and in the life I am leading right _now_ , you _are_."

Still, she had trouble believing.

Then, she finally managed to compose herself enough to ask, "Why didn't you say anything?"

"I thought you deserved better."

"Now, that's just stupid. I need what I feel in my heart, Harry. And in case you haven't noticed, I tried the seemingly _right_ thing and it blew straight into my face. What is right is what I _truly_ feel _."_

"Did you just call me stupid?" She should know he'd pick up on that. "Don't call me stupid!"

"Well, for a genius, that _was_ really stupid." She stood by what she said.

He sighed theatrically before getting serious again and saying, "I always knew." He looked aside, avoiding her eyes. "Maybe even from the moment I saw you for the first time."

"Harry…"

"It's true," he assured her, his blues meeting her hazels again. "You were beautiful and brilliant and vibrant and I _always_ knew, but I also thought I could never deserve you."

"You do. Listen, no one's perfect."

"I didn't want to stay," he then said as though he didn't hear her, "and I suggested another Wells because being around you… it was killing me, Snow," he confessed in a thick voice. "I felt like if I said anything, if by any miracle you felt the same… I'd be somehow betraying my dead wife and I know this isn't fair to either of us…"

"I think she would want you to be happy again just like Jesse does," Caitlin told him gently just then.

"I know," he admitted with a nod. "I know that now. As you said… I _was_ stupid." This time she smiled to him and then he followed with, "Damn, why do you always have to look at me like _this_?"

"Like what?"

"Like I was the centre of your whole universe. Like I was the eighth wonder of the world."

"Because you _are_. I never thought I could love again and… now _you_ are looking at me like that! Damn it, Harry, just kiss me already!"

So he did.

And they got lost in each other for a change, the still frozen machine forgotten.


End file.
